This particular event is one I don't think I will ever forget.
It's 3:30am... I hear the door close and Boris trudging in, stumbling rather. He walks/falls into the kitchen... and I hear him open the dishwasher.
Then silence. Then what I couldn't believe, he was peeing into the dishwasher! I got up immediately and walked in and was like, "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING!?" He just sorta looked at me one eyed and snarled for me to leave him alone.
Class.
The best part was when I woke him up (on the couch) the next day when I was leaving for work, and told him what he did. He sat there mortified, as he was a pretty big germ fearing boy.
When I got home he said he had run the dishwasher 4 times during the day. Ha!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
My Favorite Intro Email
I've been on Match.com for 4 months now and have received a lot of generic intro emails that are quite obviously copy + paste jobs of what the author considers to be a masterpiece. One email in the past few months stood out, and I thought the guy deserved kudos. (Note: presently I am still in his favorites, though I haven't heard from him in a few weeks....)
Here it is, brief and awesome:
Wow. The Hitler 'stache? WOW! That's balls my friend. You got 'em. Big brass ones. Which is actually kinda scary cause I'm really looking for someone without balls as I've got plenty of them to go around and I'm always willing to share. YOU... the coolest person ever? That's intimidating. Okay, I'm over it. That was quick. Read me, know me, lust me.
Here it is, brief and awesome:
Wow. The Hitler 'stache? WOW! That's balls my friend. You got 'em. Big brass ones. Which is actually kinda scary cause I'm really looking for someone without balls as I've got plenty of them to go around and I'm always willing to share. YOU... the coolest person ever? That's intimidating. Okay, I'm over it. That was quick. Read me, know me, lust me.
The 2 week text-lationship break up
This was just too funny to me. Through match.com I was emailing with this guy. And he kept pressing for us to talk on the phone and meet. For some reason I was hesitant, and as gut feelings are usually right, I now know why I was hesitant.
His texts were littered with exclamation points and smiley faces. Which is just annoying. NO one is that upbeat. I am pretty cheerful and put in a lot of smiley's, but I definitely don't overdo it by adding one to EVERY text.
Over the week I decided, well maybe I should at least talk to the guy. So I gave him my number and he texted almost immediately (creepy) and it was something overly cheerful with a smiley and exclamation points!! I blew him off over the weekend on Saturday, I was just not in the mood to talk (to him), and he texted on Sunday morning. I didn't respond.
He called and left a very needy voicemail. To which I texted "Hey I got your vmail. I just wanted to let you know that I met someone through match and we are going to see how things go." Pretty typical response when you need some space, and it was true.
He wrote 3 texts all 2 minutes apart.
"Best of luck to you!!!"
"I guess you were talking to a lot of guys last week"
"I thought you were a nice girl, I guess I was wrong"
*shakes head*
Question: Who writes something like that to a stranger?
Answer: A guy I really don't need to know!! :)
His texts were littered with exclamation points and smiley faces. Which is just annoying. NO one is that upbeat. I am pretty cheerful and put in a lot of smiley's, but I definitely don't overdo it by adding one to EVERY text.
Over the week I decided, well maybe I should at least talk to the guy. So I gave him my number and he texted almost immediately (creepy) and it was something overly cheerful with a smiley and exclamation points!! I blew him off over the weekend on Saturday, I was just not in the mood to talk (to him), and he texted on Sunday morning. I didn't respond.
He called and left a very needy voicemail. To which I texted "Hey I got your vmail. I just wanted to let you know that I met someone through match and we are going to see how things go." Pretty typical response when you need some space, and it was true.
He wrote 3 texts all 2 minutes apart.
"Best of luck to you!!!"
"I guess you were talking to a lot of guys last week"
"I thought you were a nice girl, I guess I was wrong"
*shakes head*
Question: Who writes something like that to a stranger?
Answer: A guy I really don't need to know!! :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
7 years later...
You know those ex's who always try and get their foot in the door. You see an email or text from them and your heart skips a beat, *swoon*, then eyes glaze over and you make bad decisions.
Luckily for me, this time I didn't go through the usual motions.
Got an email from Bob. He wanted to see how I was doing and let me know of his new phone number and that he had moved. Wished me well. This was pretty standard behavior, so I wasn't totally shocked.
I texted and said "Wow! Could we really be single at the same time?!"
To which he replied something along the lines of... "You should come visit me this weekend, jump in your car!"
Thankfully, I had Pilates and needed to go to that and thus postponed my departure till after (yes I considered going). We texted back and forth a bit. I asked about his ex:
"So are you still with ****?"
"No I'm with another girl, her name is ****! Funny huh?"
"Well well well, so where is she this weekend?"
"She's in Chicago, is that OK?"
Um no Bob... that is NOT ok. *eyeroll*
I pretty much said I was going to buy a juicer and wanted to hang out with my cats instead of driving to see him. You would think that stating normal activities being my top choice would have been a clear "No I don't want to see you" message.
He continued texting me for about 2 hours, with no responses from me. The last transmission that night was "I can't believe you would blow me off like that. Night. Sorry if my texts were bothering you"
*crickets*
Did I really fall into that manipulative behavior for so many years? I felt good realizing that. And laughed ABSURDLY loud the next day when I got this... "Hope you had a relaxing night last night. How's your day today?"
Sigh. Some people never change. I'm so glad that I have!
Luckily for me, this time I didn't go through the usual motions.
Got an email from Bob. He wanted to see how I was doing and let me know of his new phone number and that he had moved. Wished me well. This was pretty standard behavior, so I wasn't totally shocked.
I texted and said "Wow! Could we really be single at the same time?!"
To which he replied something along the lines of... "You should come visit me this weekend, jump in your car!"
Thankfully, I had Pilates and needed to go to that and thus postponed my departure till after (yes I considered going). We texted back and forth a bit. I asked about his ex:
"So are you still with ****?"
"No I'm with another girl, her name is ****! Funny huh?"
"Well well well, so where is she this weekend?"
"She's in Chicago, is that OK?"
Um no Bob... that is NOT ok. *eyeroll*
I pretty much said I was going to buy a juicer and wanted to hang out with my cats instead of driving to see him. You would think that stating normal activities being my top choice would have been a clear "No I don't want to see you" message.
He continued texting me for about 2 hours, with no responses from me. The last transmission that night was "I can't believe you would blow me off like that. Night. Sorry if my texts were bothering you"
*crickets*
Did I really fall into that manipulative behavior for so many years? I felt good realizing that. And laughed ABSURDLY loud the next day when I got this... "Hope you had a relaxing night last night. How's your day today?"
Sigh. Some people never change. I'm so glad that I have!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Blown Fuse
Once upon a time, I was dating this guy. We'll call him "Daniel". So Daniel and I had gone away for a weekend together for the first time. It hadn't been perfect and things were a little tense as we set out on the looooooong 3 hour drive home. After about 30 minutes Daniel decided he really wanted to rock out to his favorite song on "Jock Rock Album 3". Like I said, it wasn't perfect. Instead of simply turning the volume knob on my car stereo, he thought it would be more effective to place his finger under all the little sliders on the equalizer, and push them all up to their highest settings. I heard a pop....and then silence.
I immediately pulled over to the side of the road and ordered him out of the car so I could figure out what had happened. Daniel, in all his infinite wisdom, had blown a fuse. There wasn't a spare. I seriously thought about getting back in the car and leaving him there rather than spend the next 2 1/2 hours driving in silence. Unfortunately, I'm usually too nice for my own good, so I figured I would pull a less necessary fuse, like the one for my headlights, and worry about it after I got home. That was a no-go. I couldn't get the blown fuse out no matter how hard I pulled.
We got back in the car and started down the road. I was fuming and Daniel seemed to be honestly perplexed by my anger. That of course only made me madder. Finally, just over a rise, I spotted a Home Depot. It was just off the freeway! We could stop, buy some needle nose pliers, swap out the fuse, and be back on the road (and closer to dumping, I mean, dropping him off). In my excitement I exclaimed: "Look! A Home Depot! How fortuitous!"
Daniel slowly turned toward me and, his voice dripping with contempt and disdain, said, "Can't you just talk like a normal person?"
I lost it. I had stayed calm all that time, but that was the last straw. This moron, who wasn't smart enough to turn up the volume on a stock radio in a Saturn, was now making fun of me for using a word that was too big for his pea sized brain. I tore him up one side and down the other using very simple words. He got the point.
I bought the pliers, fixed the stereo, and allowed him back in the car. We listened to my music and brainiac had enough intelligence to stay quiet for the rest of the drive. We broke up a week later.
I immediately pulled over to the side of the road and ordered him out of the car so I could figure out what had happened. Daniel, in all his infinite wisdom, had blown a fuse. There wasn't a spare. I seriously thought about getting back in the car and leaving him there rather than spend the next 2 1/2 hours driving in silence. Unfortunately, I'm usually too nice for my own good, so I figured I would pull a less necessary fuse, like the one for my headlights, and worry about it after I got home. That was a no-go. I couldn't get the blown fuse out no matter how hard I pulled.
We got back in the car and started down the road. I was fuming and Daniel seemed to be honestly perplexed by my anger. That of course only made me madder. Finally, just over a rise, I spotted a Home Depot. It was just off the freeway! We could stop, buy some needle nose pliers, swap out the fuse, and be back on the road (and closer to dumping, I mean, dropping him off). In my excitement I exclaimed: "Look! A Home Depot! How fortuitous!"
Daniel slowly turned toward me and, his voice dripping with contempt and disdain, said, "Can't you just talk like a normal person?"
I lost it. I had stayed calm all that time, but that was the last straw. This moron, who wasn't smart enough to turn up the volume on a stock radio in a Saturn, was now making fun of me for using a word that was too big for his pea sized brain. I tore him up one side and down the other using very simple words. He got the point.
I bought the pliers, fixed the stereo, and allowed him back in the car. We listened to my music and brainiac had enough intelligence to stay quiet for the rest of the drive. We broke up a week later.
Oldie but goodie
So a few years back I was dating this guy, we'll call him "Boris". So Boris was supposed to come over to my place one night after he finished his shift. He worked the door at a bar.
Usually I would expect a call to buzz him in around 2:30, sometimes 3. But usually he would call to make sure I was awake. (I had a habit of passing out and then he'd have to walk all the way back to his house - poor baby - well now that seems to be perfectly fine to me) So 3am comes and goes, I try calling. I tried calling a few times actually, no answer. He's partying at the bar after hours obviously. So I go to sleep.
My phone rings at 7am. I look over and see it's Boris. So I let it go to vmail and roll back over. He leaves a vmail. Then 10 min later he calls back again. So I think, OK fine and I pick up.
me "Hi"
Boris "Hi sweetie??? I am freaking out... the government has me and they just let me out, but I didn't think they were going to... and I don't know where I am and I don't know what happened"
me "Wait. What?? Where are you?"
Boris "I don't know! They had me strapped down by my head!"
me "Well are you on the street? Grab a cab, come over."
Boris "I have no idea where I am (hysterical)"
me "Ok, walk to the closest big street and look for a cab, tell them where I am, just come over."
Boris "Ok ok ok... strapped down by my HEAD!"
About 10-15 min go by, and I get a call from him downstairs to buzz him in. He comes up, I open the door and he comes inside. Pretty much hysterical still. Sits down on my couch and starts rocking back and forth. So, at this point I am concerned and am trying to figure out what happened the night before. He doesn't remember since he was pretty much still drunk at this point.
He puts his hands on his head and leans into them, exposing a white bracelet on his wrist. An ER bracelet. "You were in the F*ck*ng ER!?! What did you guys do last night!?!"
And he just goes, "Well I was walking to your house then I don't remember... then I woke up and these guys were surrounding me and had me strapped down to this board by my HEAD. MY HEAD!!!"
me : "Ok ok, just calm down. You don't know what time you left the bar?"
He goes "No, I don't."
Awesome. The best part of this however was the vmail. And I swear I must have kept that thing in my saved messages for at least a year.
In summary:
Sweetie, The government has me, and they won't let me go. Can you please call and tell them I am not a terrorist. I love you.
Usually I would expect a call to buzz him in around 2:30, sometimes 3. But usually he would call to make sure I was awake. (I had a habit of passing out and then he'd have to walk all the way back to his house - poor baby - well now that seems to be perfectly fine to me) So 3am comes and goes, I try calling. I tried calling a few times actually, no answer. He's partying at the bar after hours obviously. So I go to sleep.
My phone rings at 7am. I look over and see it's Boris. So I let it go to vmail and roll back over. He leaves a vmail. Then 10 min later he calls back again. So I think, OK fine and I pick up.
me "Hi"
Boris "Hi sweetie??? I am freaking out... the government has me and they just let me out, but I didn't think they were going to... and I don't know where I am and I don't know what happened"
me "Wait. What?? Where are you?"
Boris "I don't know! They had me strapped down by my head!"
me "Well are you on the street? Grab a cab, come over."
Boris "I have no idea where I am (hysterical)"
me "Ok, walk to the closest big street and look for a cab, tell them where I am, just come over."
Boris "Ok ok ok... strapped down by my HEAD!"
About 10-15 min go by, and I get a call from him downstairs to buzz him in. He comes up, I open the door and he comes inside. Pretty much hysterical still. Sits down on my couch and starts rocking back and forth. So, at this point I am concerned and am trying to figure out what happened the night before. He doesn't remember since he was pretty much still drunk at this point.
He puts his hands on his head and leans into them, exposing a white bracelet on his wrist. An ER bracelet. "You were in the F*ck*ng ER!?! What did you guys do last night!?!"
And he just goes, "Well I was walking to your house then I don't remember... then I woke up and these guys were surrounding me and had me strapped down to this board by my HEAD. MY HEAD!!!"
me : "Ok ok, just calm down. You don't know what time you left the bar?"
He goes "No, I don't."
Awesome. The best part of this however was the vmail. And I swear I must have kept that thing in my saved messages for at least a year.
In summary:
Sweetie, The government has me, and they won't let me go. Can you please call and tell them I am not a terrorist. I love you.
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